A memoir is variously defined as an abbreviated autobiography; a record of events based on the writer's personal observation or knowledge; and the written story of one's own life. I set out to do those things. But when I sat back to read the first of many drafts, I discovered my story was her story-my mother's. At some level, I have always known this. But I was unprepared to see the evidence writ large. But more than that, I was dismayed that the wisdom I imagined my calendar years had conferred, was not reflected in my writing. There was still the primal wail of a weeping child. Quieter, of course. Wailing is not seemly for occasions other than childbirth, great loss, or sudden death. And railing against the past is utterly futile. Foolish. I found great comfort in the words of C. S. Lewis. They mirrored my experience. As the telling of my story deepened, the writing became, successively, an incision, a probe, and as Lewis says, a surgery of the gods. Like surgery, there was first of all fear, followed by pain, discovery, excision, loss, repair and restoration, and finally, healing and a different outlook altogether. I found great value in revisiting these memories and seeing that the giants of my young years are only human, after all, not the ogres I imagined. Like the shadow in a darkened room, the house cat stretched on the window sill looms like a great inscrutable Sphinx. A tree branch, benign by day, morphs into a grotesque claw, scratching and scraping at the window pane. Memories rear up at first like ghosts in a graveyard. But under a steady beam of light, the apparitions subside. Writing this memoir has been a window into the past, perhaps an icon, a way of seeing beyond the surface and into the soul. My own certainly, and perhaps glimpses of the others I've written about as well. Two central truths have emerged from writing my memoir. The first is the power of forgiveness in healing relationships. Forgiveness is not our natural bent; it goes completely against our natural state. But we can choose to change. Just as learning to swim is counter to our earthbound existence, but possible, learning to embrace the freedom of forgiveness is also possible. The second is something I've always sensed, but now know: the innate power of a mother to shape the soul of her child. / Graduation date: 2003

Graduation date: 1997

This interpretive descriptive study explored the meaning and lived experience of breast cancer for 5 mothers and their 5 adolescent daughters, and for these mother-daughter relationships. Mothers had been diagnosed with breast cancer between 2 and 6 years ago, and their daughters were between 11 and 13 years old at the time of the diagnosis. A series of six in-depth interviews with mothers and daughters, conducted both jointly and separately, afforded a view of aspects of experience that were shared and privately held. Interview data were supplemented with participants' drawings of their experience, and the researcher's observations. The interpretive descriptive framework employed was augmented with the lens of portraiture in the conduct of study, data analysis, and composition of the product of inquiry. Portraiture utilizes five essential features: voice, relationship, context, emergent themes, and aesthetic whole. Individual and relational experience and meaning were described in four themes: (a) Inhabiting Another Landscape, (b) Intending and Acting, (c) Acquiring Wisdom, and (d) Enduring Mother-Daughter Relationships. The theme of Inhabiting Another Landscape described a trajectory of experience and meaning that began with diagnosis, persisted through prolonged effects of treatment, and continued in the present and into imagined futures. Mothers and daughters had privately held concerns about the mothers' breast cancer and the possibility that breast cancer might one day visit daughters as well. The most prominent reminder of vulnerability was recurrence among friends in the social networks of breast cancer. The theme of Intending and Acting described the mutual caring and protectiveness of these mothers and daughters. Mothers and daughters described actions and strategies to minimize the threat of breast cancer for themselves and for the other person. Actions included attempts by both persons to create and maintain a sense of normalcy. Conversations between mothers and daughters on the experience of breast cancer were limited, in particular around prognosis and the possibility of death. The theme of Acquiring Wisdom described personal growth and change after the diagnosis of breast cancer. For both persons, realizations of mortality brought a new perspective on what was important in life. Mothers passed on the wisdom gained from their experience either directly in what was said to daughters or indirectly in the attitudes and behaviours they modelled. The theme of Enduring Mother-Daughter Relationships described the quality of mother-daughter relationships and the import of breast cancer for these relationships. Mothers and daughters described their relationships as close. Daughters described their relationships as closer than most, in part because of their experience with breast cancer. Parenting and being parented was in some cases complicated by breast cancer. Friction between mothers and daughters was described as par for the course during the teen years, but one source of friction was the unexpected and prolonged effects of treatment. The findings in this study indicate the value in attending to the voices of teenage daughters, which remain largely absent in the literature. Mothers and daughters have needs for information and support that are not being met. The emotional landscape of breast cancer, which entails prolonged uncertainty for both mothers and daughters, deserves further study. Personal growth described by both mothers and daughters provides an alternative view of the largely problem-focused perspective in the literature of the meaning and experience of breast cancer.

This interpretive descriptive study explored the meaning and lived experience of breast cancer for 5 mothers and their 5 adolescent daughters, and for these mother-daughter relationships. Mothers had been diagnosed with breast cancer between 2 and 6 years ago, and their daughters were between 11 and 13 years old at the time of the diagnosis. A series of six in-depth interviews with mothers and daughters, conducted both jointly and separately, afforded a view of aspects of experience that were shared and privately held. Interview data were supplemented with participants' drawings of their experience, and the researcher's observations. The interpretive descriptive framework employed was augmented with the lens of portraiture in the conduct of study, data analysis, and composition of the product of inquiry. Portraiture utilizes five essential features: voice, relationship, context, emergent themes, and aesthetic whole. Individual and relational experience and meaning were described in four themes: (a) Inhabiting Another Landscape, (b) Intending and Acting, (c) Acquiring Wisdom, and (d) Enduring Mother-Daughter Relationships. The theme of Inhabiting Another Landscape described a trajectory of experience and meaning that began with diagnosis, persisted through prolonged effects of treatment, and continued in the present and into imagined futures. Mothers and daughters had privately held concerns about the mothers' breast cancer and the possibility that breast cancer might one day visit daughters as well. The most prominent reminder of vulnerability was recurrence among friends in the social networks of breast cancer. The theme of Intending and Acting described the mutual caring and protectiveness of these mothers and daughters. Mothers and daughters described actions and strategies to minimize the threat of breast cancer for themselves and for the other person. Actions included attempts by both persons to create and maintain a sense of normalcy. Conversations between mothers and daughters on the experience of breast cancer were limited, in particular around prognosis and the possibility of death. The theme of Acquiring Wisdom described personal growth and change after the diagnosis of breast cancer. For both persons, realizations of mortality brought a new perspective on what was important in life. Mothers passed on the wisdom gained from their experience either directly in what was said to daughters or indirectly in the attitudes and behaviours they modelled. The theme of Enduring Mother-Daughter Relationships described the quality of mother-daughter relationships and the import of breast cancer for these relationships. Mothers and daughters described their relationships as close. Daughters described their relationships as closer than most, in part because of their experience with breast cancer. Parenting and being parented was in some cases complicated by breast cancer. Friction between mothers and daughters was described as par for the course during the teen years, but one source of friction was the unexpected and prolonged effects of treatment. The findings in this study indicate the value in attending to the voices of teenage daughters, which remain largely absent in the literature. Mothers and daughters have needs for information and support that are not being met. The emotional landscape of breast cancer, which entails prolonged uncertainty for both mothers and daughters, deserves further study. Personal growth described by both mothers and daughters provides an alternative view of the largely problem-focused perspective in the literature of the meaning and experience of breast cancer. / Education, Faculty of / Educational and Counselling Psychology, and Special Education (ECPS), Department of / Graduate