在選填幼教系的那刻起，我就知道未來要承接母親所經營的兒童教育事業，但 內心卻常有個聲音是「好希望我是願意承接母親經營的事業，但為何我始終沒辦法 也不願意做出這個選擇？」。母親在我童年時期忙碌的景象，使我一直擔憂承接後， 我的孩子也會像我童年時期一樣孤單，但若不選擇承接，母親還會愛我嗎？ 這進退兩難的處境在遇見兩位幼兒園接班人後，開啟了我的探尋之旅。無論是 透過訪談準幼兒園接班人、訪談家人以及接受心理諮商，甚至一年代理經營等等的 探尋行動，我看見過去的自己是依附在母親的期待中與一昧想像他人一樣。藉由自 身不斷行動、敘說與反思，促動原先對他者與自己既定且僵化信念的改變，透過說 也看見自身的生命起伏與演變的意義脈絡，當人能看見此意義脈絡的同時也就能看 見人自身經歷存在的價值，使過往在認回自我的過程中得以平靜安穩的存在，進而 拾回生命的主權為自己做決定，有力量思考承接與否的挑戰。而承接家業對我而 言，成了可以實踐自我理想的選擇。 / In the election of the pediatric system, I know that the future to undertake the mother's children's education business, but the heart is often a voice is "I hope I am willing to undertake the cause of the mother's business, but why I have no way do not want to make this choice? " My mother in my childhood busy scene, so I have been worried about undertaking, my child will be as lonely as my childhood, but if you do not choose to undertake, the mother will love me? This dilemma in the situation after meeting the two kindergarten successors, opened my search trip. Whether it is through the interview kindergarten successors, interviews with family members and to accept psychological counseling, and even one year agency operations and so on the search action, I saw the past is attached to the mother's expectations and ignorant imagine others. By their own action, narrative and reflection, to promote the original and their own established and rigid beliefs of the change, through that also see their own ups and downs of life and evolution of the meaning of the context, when people can see this sense of context at the same time also can see the value of the existence of their own experience, so that in the past to recover the self in the process of calm and stable existence, and then retrieve the sovereignty of life for their own decisions, have the power to think about whether to undertake or not. And to undertake the family business for me, has become a self-ideal choice.

本論文以自我敘說的方式探索生命經驗，呈現我如何在與創傷的關係中，那種無法解決痛苦的痛苦中，一步步地幫助自己從幻幕到真實。在這樣的歷程中，學習如何在信任與不信任關係中苦苦掙扎，冒險敞開自己的心，努力學習與他人「分享」脆弱與羞愧，學習向外尋求支持與幫助。同時，對內，則很努力地修復與自己疏遠的關係，學習當個我想成為的好媽媽，傾聽我內在小孩的需求。 我的歷程，並非直線性地一步步從幻幕走向真實，而是在虛幻與真實間、在遺棄與接觸內在孩童間不斷來來回回，緩慢螺旋向下的歷程。最終，成人的我，帶著害怕關係斷裂的恐懼、因照顧自己而產生的罪惡感，仍願意為了我的內在小孩，採取行動照顧她的需求，維護自己的界限，讓內在小孩在這過程中，經驗到自己的價值。進而承諾自己，不再遺棄我的內在小孩。希望我的經歷，能夠對與我有類似經歷的人有幫助、能夠讓諮商師對這類型的個案有更深的理解。 在我往內走向真實的歷程中，我同時身為實習諮商心理師，我不只接受諮商與治療，我也在諮商、治療別人，同時，我也在接受督導，督導象徵權威，我也在處理我與權威間的關係，我們彼此間的議題，都會互相碰撞影響。有時候，我的議題會影響我諮商個案，尤其當我身為新手治療師，對自己有很高的期望，當我看到自己還過不去的議題影響到諮商時，我也會對自己又氣又急可又很無奈，也曾因此懷疑過自己是否適合當個諮商師。可是慢慢地，我開始接納自己的狀態、接納自己也是個人，不是個完美的諮商師，當我對自己有愈多接納跟允許時，我也對個案有更多的涵容，希望我的經歷能對其他實務工作者能夠有所助益。 / This thesis explored life experience of the author, presented how the author overcame the trauma and marched forward to the real from illusion by self-narrative process. In the process of recovering, I learned how to make balance when struggling in the relationship of believing and unbelieving, open my mind to others, share the vulnerable and shame and ask for help. At the same time, from the inside of my heart, the cold and detached relationship to the inner child was gradually rebuilt and a good-enough-mother who was able to listen to the needs of inner child was formed. The process of the recovering was not straightly going from illusion to real but moving back and forth between the illusion and real, and the abandon and contact inner child, again, again, and again. Finally, the adult part of me overcame the fear of broken relationship and the guilty of taking care of myself to care for the needs of inner child and establish the boundary between me and others. The inner child experienced the self-value in this process. Moreover, a promise for not abandoning the inner child again was established firmly by the adult. As the process of going to real, I was both a client and an intern counselor; besides, I was supervised. The supervisor symbolized the authority; therefore, I was also dealing with the authority issue. The issue between me and the authority also influence both of us. Sometimes, my issue also influenced my clients, especially when I was a freshman who had high expectation to herself. When the issue that was not yet been overcome effected the counseling, I was mad and disappointed at myself. Step by step, in the processing of recovery, I started to accept that situation and accept that I was also a human and an imperfect counselor. With the increasing acceptance, I contained my clients more. I hope my experience may be able help the client who had the same experience and help the counselor to understand the client deeply.

本研究以自我參與、自我敘說的方式，呈現超個人心理治療中的奧修「神秘玫瑰」活動，對研究者本身帶來何種的生命經驗?而此經驗又對研究者產生何種影響? 透過自我敘說的研究取向，研究者感受到整個活動過程，就像是從「頭」到「心」的療癒—一步一步地展現出研究者的人際關係、欲望、人格特質、身心狀況，並慢慢地開始化解掉身、心的不舒服，而產生人際模式、行為的改變，也幫助研究者領悟到助人工作的原動力。除此之外，透過活動過程的臉部紀錄，研究者也看到自己較深的內在情緒狀態。 而在故事敘說後的分析中，研究者發現自己小時候的經驗，影響到目前的人際關係與工作、生活態度，並在活動中得到轉化，而產生了具體的改變。除此之外，在整體生命能量上，也產生流動或提昇，並體會到自我生命的富足，是助人工作的原點。 在反思的部份，區分成活動參與者與論文研究者，兩個不同的層次。在參與者部份，我發現自己的生命，其實是一直在對抗主流的心理學、精神醫學，以表達精神障礙者家人的不滿，卻忘了把這股力量，轉成正向的力量，來照顧好自己。在研究者部份，發現要透過語言傳達自己的經驗，其實是一件不容易的事，並看到東方智慧運用在助人工作的可行性。 在建議的部份，再依據本研究的結果，提出帶領類似「神秘玫瑰」活動的超個人心理治療團體，所需注意的事。 最後，在「對話」的部份，呈現出研究者參與不同靈修活動的經驗，與經驗間的對話；並透過「現在的我」來看到，活動心得領悟是對參與者的當下有益，而提醒讀者去經驗自己的生命禮物。 / The study is exploring the experience of the researcher participates the Osho Mystic Rose activity and what is the meaning of these life experiences.So the researcher will participate the group activity and narrates what he experiences. From the activity,the researcher feels that the process of the activity is a kind of therapy from head to heart.So the researcher can see clearly his relationship,desire,personality trait,and psycho-body situation.Then in the process of activity,the discomfort of psycho-body slowly disappears and the model of researcher’s relationship changes.The researcher also has an insight about the base of the work of helping others.The researcher also see the deeper emotion state from the record of the face pictures of the process of the activity. From the meta-story,the researcher finds that his childhood experience has influenced the present relationship,work,and the life’s attitude.And by participating the activity,the researcher’s state is changed and.the life energe is rising.Otherwise,the researcher is awaring that the helper’s blooming life is the root of the work of helping others. About the self-reflection of study,it can be discriminated two levels—participant and researcher.In the participant level,I find that I,the brother of psychotic handicap is against the dominant psychology and psychiatry to show the bitterness.But I forget to translate the opposed energy to positive energy to take care myself well.In the researcher level,I.find that it is difficult to use language to transmit experience to others,and maybe the east wisdom can be applied to the wok of helping others. In advice,the researcher suggested something important about leading the transpersonal psychotherapy group. It is that the group leader should construct the secure environment to let members exploring themselves freely and keep in touch with the present. Finally,the last part,Dialog,it shows and compares researcher’s experiences in different spirit-training groups.And from the point of view of being,the researcher’s insight from activity can not be fitted to others.