Humans innately feel a desire for connection, but in its pursuit, some may inadvertently thwart the very connection they seek. One way this may happen is through forsaking a sense of autonomy in favor of relatedness using behaviors such as self- silencing (stifling the self to preserve a relationship) and emotional fusion (relying on validation from others). To better understand how these four variables—autonomy, relatedness, self-silencing and emotional fusion—function together, I used latent profile analysis to identify classes among US adults in long-term relationships (n = 1065). Separate classes were identified for men and women. I then used the Bolck-Croon-Hagenaars method to predict class membership using variables such as demographics, attachment styles, relational connection, depressive symptoms, and gender roles and ideologies. Results indicated four latent groups for women (stifled-59%, detached-29%, moderate-9%, and differentiated-3%) and four for men (stifled-33%, detached-50%, imbalanced-11%, and differentiated-6%). In all classes, autonomy and relatedness balanced each other out such that if autonomy was deficient, relatedness was also low. In most classes, autonomy and relatedness were inversely associated with self-silencing and emotional fusion so that those with high autonomy and relatedness were less likely to self-silence or engage in emotional fusion. Those with high autonomy and relatedness were also less likely to adhere to traditional gender roles and ideologies, less likely to experience depressive symptoms, less likely to be anxiously or avoidantly attached, and more likely to experience relational connection.

As individuals develop, it is natural to reference social situations to learn about the self. Even as adults, some learning about the self comes from interactions with others. However, when adults consistently allow others to define their sense of self, their focus may shift away from connection and intimacy toward external factors. No studies have examined how allowing others to define the sense of self is associated with intimacy and satisfaction in relationships. Using structural equation modeling, this study examined whether allowing others to define the self is associated with a decrease in emotional intimacy, relational satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction and whether this relationship might be mediated by sense of self. I used a sample (n = 421) of U.S. adults in committed sexual relationships. Three common ways of allowing others to define the self—emotional fusion, externalized self-perception, and social comparison—were considered relative to the relational outcomes. Gender differences in the model were also considered. Results showed a negative association between all three ways of allowing others to define the self and all three relational outcomes for men, and negative associations between emotional fusion and externalized self-perception and all three relational outcomes for women. These associations were mediated by sense of self such that those who reported allowing others to define the self, also reported a weaker sense of self. Having a strong sense of self was positively associated with emotional intimacy, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction. This indicates that looking to outside sources to define the self may hinder intimacy and satisfaction in relationships. Further implications are discussed.