Utilizing autoethnographic reflections in the forms of lyric, collage, and personal narrative, this inquiry shows how one teacher developed resiliency. That teacher is me. My early teaching experiences in an Ontario high school provide a qualitative focus of an inner, emotional journey to regaining strength and rediscovering passion after a period of burn-out. Tracing the passage from idealism to defeatism to resilience through metaphors, this arts-informed inquiry represents the inner life of a young woman and teacher.

Through six months of ethnographic and autoethnographic fieldwork, which included participant observation and ten individual semi-structured interviews, I sought to determine how dominant discourses in dance, especially those pertaining to professionalism, ability, validity, and legitimacy, are circulated in and through training, and how we as dancers responded to these discourses. Following the stand alone thesis format, this thesis is comprised of two publishable papers. The first is an ethnography of one integrated dance company’s members’ experience with negotiating space for alternative forms of dance in contemporary dance. The second is an autoethnographic piece of writing where I show the challenges of resisting dominant discourses of validity and legitimacy in both qualitative research as well as contemporary dance. Together, these papers form a thesis that strengthens our scholarly understanding of the discourses and associated tensions at work in participating in and writing about integrated dance.

This paper contributes to a growing body of literature on women with endometriosis, a gynecological condition in which tissue similar to the endometrium, or lining of the uterus which is shed during menses, grows elsewhere in the body. Despite a growing understanding of the disease in medical literature, it is still not well known by the general population or fully understood by the medical community. The paper incorporates a biomedical understanding with Emma Whelan’s idea of these women as an epistemological community, autoethnography, and narratives of sufferers in order to understand how women discuss, experience, and form communities around it. It draws upon individual interviews, a focus group, and readings of medical and social science literature and found that women of dissimilar socioeconomic backgrounds approached and discussed the disease distinctively from one another with three phases of coping with the illness: the discovery, quest, and revelation.

As I write this piece, I wonder how I got here. I began with an interest in adolescent mental health services in schools. Then I was captured by autoethnographic writing and Carolyn Ellis became my hero. I read everything I could find regarding autoethnography and mostly I read autoethnographic stories. This led me to wanting to tell my own stories, but I realized they were very difficult stories to tell and very difficult stories to hear. I became interested in why certain stories are difficult to tell. I wanted to know what made them difficult stories. I wanted to understand why we tell certain things more easily than others or why we dont tell at all. I then became interested in secrets. I realized that my personal secrets were mostly about mothering. I wondered what it was about mothering that made these stories so difficult to tell. I wondered what was unique and specific to the secrets of mothering. I read extensively about mothering and motherhood. I was exhilarated when I found the work of Andrea OReilly and the Association for Research on Mothering at a book fair at a local conference. I had found another hero. Then I read Susan Maushart (1999) and Adrienne Rich (1986) and I became immersed in the search for meaning about motherhood, mothering, the masks of motherhood and the normative discourse of mothering. I realized there was a disconnect between the discourse of mothering and the actual practice of mothering. I also began to realize that perhaps the masks of motherhood and the normative discourse contributed to and perpetuated the secrets of mothering. I tell my own secrets of mothering to examine this phenomenon. And I tell stories that I never thought I would tell in a public forum. My stories look behind my cool and competent mask of motherhood (Maushart, 1999), and expose the raw emotions of my secrets of mothering. I am often vulnerable and naked and I ask readers to appreciate this in context of their own nakedness and vulnerability. An exploration of the discourse and practice of mothering, and the secrets related to that, offers a means to disturb the normative discourse of mothering and a means to unravel my secrets of mothering. I offer no solutions only hope and possibility that the disturbing and unraveling will guide mothers and parents to decide which mask to wear (or not) and which secrets to keep (or not) and perhaps to awaken readers to the social and political issues related to these stories (both mine and the readers). I introduce and provide the background for the dissertation through my positionality in Tomasulos chair. I will give no other explanation of the chair except to say that I move in and out of the chair as I explore the purpose of my dissertation and position myself within that exploration.

This research study represents a personalized account of my experiences as a San Antonio Fire Department (SAFD) paramedic. In this study I bring the reader closer to the subculture of the Emergency Medical Services (EMS) through the research methodology of autoethnography. This qualitative method allows me to be researcher, subject, and narrator of the study. Autoethnography requires considerable attention to reflection, introspection, and self-analysis through the use of the narrative. Written in first person voice, I am positioned in the narrative in a manner that allows me to communicate directly with the audience. Through an insider’s perspective, I have traced the time I spent in EMS by reflecting, interpreting, and analyzing a collection of epochal events that significantly impacted my life both personally and professionally. There are five themes that I have identified as salient to the meaning-making process of the study: (a) death and dying, (b) faith and spirituality, (c) job burnout, (d) dealing and coping with job-related stress, and (e) alcohol abuse. The events that I have selected for this study may be read and interpreted as a prelude to what is a much broader narrative of my tenure in EMS and of other emergency responders’ experiences as well. The study explores how my life was impacted beyond the immediate experience and how the story continues to evolve to the present day. The study establishes a foundation for designing training programs to be used by public safety educators. Three theoretical elements of adult learning that help inform professional education strategies for emergency responders have been identified: (a) experiential, (b) narrative, and (c) transformative learning. The study also sensitizes the general public to the physical, social, and psychological demands that are placed on paramedics. It is important for the reader to know that these public servants are ordinary human beings doing extraordinary work in one of the most stressful and hazardous professions in the world.

Dissonance exists in efforts to communicate about suffering and despair. Showcasing common societal flawed reactions to despair begs for discourse to create a more communicatively healthy response. Attempting to communicate the suffering of others and feeling like I was failing at that goal led to my own suffering. Using writing as a method of personal healing created an intersection of personal narratives of suffering and victim’s narratives (which can arguable only allow for the co-opting of the story and narcissism). Grappling with the limits of writing to heal provided a lens to see the victim’s narratives in such a way that created self-reflexivity. Rather than equating the suffering of the victim’s to my own, which I absolutely do not do, instead I found potential answers to despair in the post-Holocaust theologians. This dissertation is an experiment in trying to communicate suffering and meaning in a post-Holocaust world where my story and the survivors stories both have similarities of theological despair, an ethic of defiance, and most certainly a refusal to be changed by the world.

In this dissertation, I explore the question of how women alcoholics achieve sobriety. Using narrative inquiry, I focus on the identity transformation that must occur in order to maintain sobriety and how a drinking self is deconstructed and reconstructed as a sober self. Today, alcoholism is still viewed as stigmatizing in our society and in all Western cultures. The stigma of alcoholism makes it difficult for alcoholics to communicate their experiences to people who have not had similar experiences. However, storytelling in the presence of supportive people has been shown to be a prominent factor in the process of recovery for women and men. Over a period of a year, three women and I shared and reconstructed our experiences of living an alcoholic life, comparing and contrasting that life to our experiences we went through as we struggled to achieve sobriety. I elicited and listened to stories of drinking experiences, family, dating, turning points, and commitment to creating a sober lifestyle. I also reviewed and analyzed the stories told in memoirs written by three alcoholic women. Through narrative, my participants and I made sense of why drinking was central to our lives and how our life stories were reconstructed and reframed as we tried to achieve sobriety. Our stories challenge the canonical narrative of the alcoholic, providing multiple perspectives on these issues and giving voice to such silenced experiences as how to cope with shyness, the self-defeating thought process associated with the contradictions inherent in a drinking life, the turning points that can inspire women to give up drinking for good, and the relational consequences of committing to sobriety.The experiences shared in the stories told by these women give texture and depth to our understanding of the lived experiences of women alcoholics and the road they must travel to achieve self-respect and self-love through sobriety.

No description available.

This thesis is an autoethnographic investigation of interactions I have had with my students as a first-year art educator and the ways in which these interactions have led me to recall memories of my own experience as a student in art. Employing a metaphor of "teaching as mutual mark making," I present these interactions as "sketches," which refer to and reflect the ongoing and unfinished nature of memory and experience. My exploration of memory as it relates to teaching and learning has led me to advocate for art education based on relationships between teacher and student, as well as the relationship between the educator and his or her own learning experiences.

In this thesis, I explore the tensions and contradictions of being African, feminist and activist within sexual and gender minority social movements. I ask how an African activist with multiple backgrounds negotiates the different personal and political landscapes, tensions she encounters, as well as the implications this has for activism work. This study is meant to complement the growing body of activism publications, which, though varied and rich, tend to shy away from depicting and critically analyzing the internal problems experienced in groups, because of differences of ideological perspectives, backgrounds and power differentials. Using an autoethnographic methodology I analyse how a lesbian feminist activist, engages in self-reflections on life outlook, belonging, art and contentious online African and international activism. My materials include extracts of email conversations within two online discussions, my own art pieces and memories of my experiences. The theoretical framework includes situated partial perspectives, disidentification and unlearning. My analysis shows that my situated Kenyan - Swedish backgrounds have affected not only my art, but my thought processes which in turn affect how I engage in different activist contexts. Tensions and contradictions with other activists show how ideological differences, situated perspectives, age and power differentials determine the outcome of some activism agendas. My findings also suggest that activism encounters can lead to partial affective distancing, disidentifications, multiplicitous and holographic identities. Furthermore our origins, and experiences matter a lot in shaping our feminism ideals and ways of working. These ways of working reveal various instances of oppression, subjugation and privilege, effected by maternal affiliations, online invisibility, ethnic and indigenous identities and language. In conclusion, I argue that much more self-reflection, self-revelation, accommodation for individual differences and analysis of our ways of oppressing is required, for activism work to be successful and mutually beneficial.