What child does not want to do everything possible to please his or her parents? Many times children, regardless of age, find themselves struggling to decide what is right for them and what their parents feel is right for them. Parents are not always to blame for a child's unsatisfied feeling. Children often have a hard time articulating what they are feeling on the inside. I now find myself in the same conundrum with college students who have difficulty articulating what they want in life. With writing as my medium, this thesis will use the power of both Scholarly Personal Narrative (SPN) and Epistolary Scholarly Personal Narrative (eSPN) to explore my personal battle with articulating what I want for myself and the world around me. With creation of a personal definition of success as my end goal, I will explore and exemplify how SPN and eSPN writing can be used in one's life to reflect upon and articulate internal desires for how we want to live our lives. With my background in engineering and mathematics, I have found writing to be a release from the straightforward answers that I have been trained to search for. All types of people, engineers or not, can use the power of SPN and eSPN to dig deeper and find what exactly they want to do with their time. Finally, using narrative writing to help others write their stories will give both the reader and their respective audiences a medium through which to connect, i.e. SPN and/or eSPN writing.

We are what we read. People read for many different reasons and outcomes. We may read for information, affirmation, escape, or inspiration. We may read to get in a better mood. Various studies have shown that readers are more apt to be empathetic, to understand that their experience is not the only experience. Through Scholarly Personal Narrative, I trace my own evolution of reading and my curious preference for Young Adult (YA) literature. Contemporary YA literature offers a unique combination of viewpoint, emotion, and transportation which allows for a deeper understanding of diverse backgrounds, and I explore whether a program of purposeful choices can influence perspective.

In sixth grade, I did an art project where I painted a self-portrait. I decided to paint myself looking in a mirror. On the right-hand side of the canvas was the back of my head. On the left-hand side was a reflection of my face looking back at me in the mirror. During one session with my art teacher, she looked at my painting and paused before asking, “what happened?” She paused again before continuing that at one point the painting was on the right track, implying since that point, something had gone terribly wrong. I mean what was looking back at me in the mirror was quite scary. It was a girl with sharp, angry brows who was grimacing like that emoji with clenched teeth. By the end of the project the painting only got uglier and unfortunately lived in my family’s home for years to come. My mom once told me that “interesting” isn’t necessarily a good thing. It was said right after I proudly shared with her that I received a certificate that read, “Most Interesting Art Project” for a paper doll I made to look like myself in eighth grade. Since that subtle comment, I’ve always been careful about how I choose and use words. I didn’t dare challenge my mom’s comment. Instead, I recall being mad at my art teacher. How could she call my paper doll interesting! What did she mean by that? I’ve always been better with paper than paint and I knew that unlike my self-portrait that I had painted two years prior, this doll I constructed, complete with my ponytail and 空手着 (karate uniform) actually looked like me! It’s been over a decade since these two “art incidents” but oddly enough these stories are quite telling about my current self-perception. This is the power of storytelling. Not only does it help me to connect with people beyond small talk but writing and reflecting on my past has helped me understand who I am now. Today I am an educator, supervisor of students, and a young professional in higher education. More than titles or positions I hold, I find meaning in the relationships I build with my colleagues, students, mentors, and community. What I have learned and hope to share to all educators, staff, students, and leaders by way of writing this thesis is the value and necessity of exploring, unlearning, and challenging yourself to understand who you are, how you are who you are, and why you are who you are. While recognizing that I have changed and will continue to change through growth, learning, and time, I find security at this intersection of past and future where I am present in this self. As someone who is empathetic, I am sensitive to other people’s feelings and emotions. With context, I attempt to understand how someone else may feel still while recognizing I may never truly know their experience. On the contrary, I’ve discovered that to be empathetic with my own self is quite challenging! This insight has created inner chaos and has helped me understand how I do and don’t process my own feelings and emotions regularly. As someone who has made it a priority to serve others, I am fueled by keeping busy as a way to have a purpose in all of my actions. I want to be useful. Through this grind, I’ve lost a sense of who I am and valuing myself beyond my work and what I am capable of. I don’t believe this is a unique experience. I have taken responsibility for burning out and running on empty. I am shifting gears. I have taken this opportunity to write my own experiences in hopes that there is something to be learned from it for anyone who has ever taken on too much, has run away from themselves, or been uncomfortable with who they are.

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Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) and Chronic Pain Syndrome (CPS) can be treated in many different ways. I found a problem in the balance of healing modalities surrounding diagnosis and care of illness and disease. This struggle is not singular to AS and CPS, but universal to physical and mental concerns. Some effective treatments and therapies are not recognized as such or are just beginning to become so. The scope of my work reflects on the course of my life. It was heavily influenced by the way my medical care was managed from an early age and how it evolved over the years. Through my educational program, I examined the necessity to bridge the gap between treatment paradigms and to expand on a broader, more inclusive, healing rubric. This rubric includes a broader emphasis on skill-based and complementary and alternative medicines. The viability to incorporate holistic health therapies earlier in life is explored through my use of the Scholarly Personal Narrative (SPN) qualitative research method. I chose this methodology because scientific fact could be argued either way for one therapeutic approach over another. By incorporating lived experience through SPN the union and cohesion necessary in all healing modalities, and their positive aspects, can be seen. The truth becomes self-evident. The results of this examination showed awareness earlier in life toward alternative and holistic treatments being paramount. Parents and educators lack information concerning modern therapeutic approaches. It also showed each situation will vary, but choice in treatment for ailments and illness of all kinds is not only viable, but highly recommended and researched. Access issues such as health insurance remain obstacles with some treatments and therapies, while others are a matter of cost prohibition, such as nutrition therapies. The implications of my work indicate a need for earlier incorporation of holistic healing programs and skill based therapies alongside perpetuated medical models in early childhood development and education. In conclusion, awareness towards medical concerns and how we as a society treat them can be improved upon by systemically incorporating less harmful therapies earlier in life. Fostering relations between medical providers, care providers and educators for students' wellbeing should be the foreground of any educational policy. Educators and parents alike should be made aware of and take advantage of effective skill-based treatments before a physical or mental condition surfaces or medication only approaches are authoritatively recommended. Integrating programs that build strong mental resilience and focus on youth development and education can reduce the necessity for more invasive treatments or medications should an ailment or illness develop.

Second-generation college students comprise a large majority of the collegiate population. The research on this population strongly suggests that their knowledge, capitals, and the support received from their parents gives them a “jump start” in higher education in comparison to their first-generation peers. The positive exposure to higher education received by second-generation college students is asserted to be directly linked to their parents' experiences in higher education. Second-generation college students are assumed to possess the basic knowledge for successful navigation of the college experience. As a second-generation, African-American college student, I carried a high level of expectation and numerous assumptions about what my experiences would be like in the academy. I assumed that my mother's college education would have a positive effect on my college journey. As my college experience unfolded, I found myself severely deficient when it came to basic collegiate knowledge and survival skills. The radical changes in higher education that had occurred during the twenty years between the collegiate experiences of my mother and me greatly decreased my mother's ability to pass on knowledge that was still up-to-date and practical for my experience. My journey through college was nothing like the second-generation student literature suggested. My experiences in higher education closely paralleled those associated with the first-generation student population. The challenges I faced included social, cultural and racial integration, course and major selection, reduced parental involvement and financial strain. I have since come to view myself as a first-generation college student amid second-generation college student assumptions and expectations. Through the use of Scholarly Personal Narrative methodology, this dissertation seeks to bring into focus a hitherto hidden population in higher education. These are the students, who in spite of having at least one parent or guardian with a college degree, do not know how to navigate the college journey; these are the students who feel like imposters in the academy because it is assumed they are better equipped to navigate the institution. In this dissertation I draw upon numerous studies of first-generation and second-generation college students to create an empirical understanding of the dual and dueling narrative I occupied during my undergraduate experience. I explore concepts of cultural and academic capital as being vital in my ability to master the college environment. I introduce for the first time in the literature a concept I call “values capital.” I also discuss the salience of social class identity in the pursuit of higher education in order to frame a narrative of my own self-empowerment and subsequent integration into higher education. In addition to a number of empirical studies, I will draw upon biographies and my own personal narrative to elucidate the universal themes of self-empowerment, authenticity, insecurity, ambition, and meaning-making—themes that all second-generation-on-the-outside but first-generation-on-the-inside students must confront if they are to be successful in higher education.

ABSTRACT In this dissertation, I explore my role as an administrator in higher education admissions at a major university and as a working mother who faces many real world challenges. The grueling travel demands, lofty enrollment goals, campus and inter-office politics, as well as the weekend and late night hours required, made it extremely difficult to achieve a healthy work life balance in admissions while also raising a small child. Additionally, "admissions" is increasingly becoming the "hot seat" within institutions of higher education. Gone are the days of an almost tenure like quality to enrollment professionals. If an enrollment director or vice president does not meet his numbers, their position is gone. Through Scholarly Personal Narrative methodology, I seek to inquire into my experiences and to understand and focus on my resilience and spirituality and how I have come to harness this power in my work with students and their parents in one of the most anticipated and often dreaded parts of individuation-- the college admissions process. I share how becoming a working (single) mother in this profession was especially challenging amidst the highest-ranking professional women where I worked, many of whom were not mothers. I could not find a role model at the top that had small children. In this process, I discovered that I could use my experience and education in a more family-friendly role--higher education consulting.

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